Born: August 1, female, 7 lbs 2 ozs, brown eyes
Distinctive marks: Leo, born on mother's birthday
Place in family: 5th child
I choose this picture of two people standing on the river bank because the remarkable thing is that under the tree branches from a distance it forms the outline of a baby. How fitting was that for me.
This journey truly began on October 23, 1989 at the Wellness Center in Vestal, New York. There I began to see the light. It was perhaps the first time in my life that I let the world come in. These are some notes from that day's class. The doctor who was in charged began with telling us that we where all predispose to ending up in a clinic like this if we had 2 or 3 of the following Demographics in our lifetime.
Came from a large family I had 11 children in mine
Middle to later born I was the fifth
Less then a high school education I was out at sixteen
Parented early I had first child at nineteen
Never allowed to be a kid I have few happy memories
Model for chronic pain I have my mother
Married early I married first time at nineteen
Had kids quickly I was pregnant with first child
Abuse history I had physical and sexual
Multiple marriages I had been married three times
When he was done speaking my whole table broke out in laughter as I asked him "what happens if you have all 10"? He just looked at me and jokingly said "you get to come back for another thirty days". As he left the room that day he placed his hand knowingly on my shoulder. I had laughed when I should have cried. That was when I had the first real look at my condition and accept the first in a long list of diagnoses.
It seemed rather simple back then. It was called Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The could help with Cognitive Behavior Management (CBM). How simple it was. Just follow this simple plan and I'd be cured. Well, as any of us who are dissociate and had this label back then, found out that it only worked for a little while. Then the world would come crashing in again.
I have survived my childhood and my adulthood this far. My diagnoses are the only thing that seems to change. I've told the same story to each doctor who has treated me and each one claims to have the answer. I've been through all the Bi-Polar medication, the Boarder line Personality, the depression and manic stage medications of my life yet seem to be the only one willing at some point to accept myself for who I am. A great person with a dissociate tendency. If I could just get a handle on that one part of me my life might be complete. OK maybe not.
Where my life goes from here, I may not be sure. The one thing that I do know is that I have to keep going. In my life there has been set backs or stops along the way. some of them where not all that I had hoped they would be.
I've been in many relationships during my years and even though some where full of pain and sorrow, I can't really say that I would ever want my life to have been different. As a dissociate my memories have been kept in files. My bad experiences where handled by one and my happy/good memories in another. As you read my stories they may seem all doom and gloom. Remember that the happy memories remained in another story. That's how we deal with life.
Good memories we carry with us on the other side every day. it is the bad memories that we fight with every night. Many years ago I would pray for a better life. Now as I look around and listen to all the people I have met, I have come to believe that my life, though hard and sad, was so much better then other's.
I've heard from people all over the world that are dissociate and who have survived unbelievable lives compared to mine. My heart continues to go out to these people. When they write me their stories and share some of their pain with me, I can only pray that their healing come quickly for them.
Each of us is blessed who have begun this healing process. We can now share our heartaches and know that it is understood by many. I hope that some, when they come across these pages truly know that they are not alone. My stories in my sites are the first things that I was able to write about. They are just the beginning of the stories. Slowly I hope that I will be able to write more into them. I've yet to remember the feelings of terror and hurt that I only have pictures of now.
Know that it is a process and for some of us we can never find it all. That is because as dissociate we weren't there. If that means that I never know or feel all the details then I'm ok with that. Just remember to believe in your self and know that if you find yourself crossing these pages then you are where you need to be.
Writing these stories has been a relief in it's own way. Trauma and abuse no matter what any one else will call it, causes this to happen to us. Being born with the tendency as they say or chemical imbalance (and I do believe this) causes us to experience our lives differently then others.
I come from a large family and none of them seem to have been affected by living in this unit as I was. So there must be something to that theory. Years ago they thought you had to relive these traumas in order to move on with your life. Don't let anyone make you believe that. We are who and what we are. If you are truly a dissociate person then your disorder may never be able to take you there. That's the blessing in it all. For some things WE weren't there.
I need to say a few more things before you go on with this journey. I have seen in my life and the lives of others, that being dissociation was a gift. I have known people who weren't able to block out the pain and have suffered most of their lives because of it. We truly are the lucky ones who can say "I never felt" and "I cant remember". Those are truly the words and the ones who were saved. Many who could not dissociate did not survive and make it as far as those of us who can. That may not be much to say and understand now; yet I do hope that some day along this path you will understand that.
Live your life now and make peace with your past. That's what I have found to be the best advice to remember. On my web sites I have links to friends who have joined me and experienced much of life as I have. We all traveled different paths yet the same in so many ways. Each of my stories started out small and I added to them as the need arose. Once you read some of them please come back and email me if you want to LadyJtalks
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