June 21,2002 11:29PM

Email to a friend

My son, John, got here tonight and we'll be leaving in the morning to head up to the top of Pa. where my folk's property is.
 So everyone has gone to bed early. I've been letting Marty sleep in on Saturday and Sunday mornings and I go and open up
at the market. Tomorrow she has to get up early and do it. We'll head out about the same time. Should be about a 5-hour ride.
Not really looking forward to the long ride but there won't be a rush on because the viewing isn't until Sunday.
That will give me plenty of time to get settled in myself.

As you most likely will guess from my story I don't do the family thing very well. Actually I do it better then the rest of
 my family does in some ways. I have promised my self to try..."try"...to just keep things social as long as I can. I just keep
 trying to tell myself that there is plenty of time left in the family life to do what I need to do. And unless one of them
really provokes me, I'm going to try and just let them have their moments. See my family really has had nothing to do with
 me for a long time. Nothing use to piss me off more the one of them trying to

 "Pretend they never did anything wrong when they where younger."

My family couldn't believe that my children knew everything about me and damn near every thing I could remember doing.
The funny thing was my children knew more about what I had done in my life then my brothers and sister ever knew. So it's been
 a long time coming. Now the kids are all grown. I'm not sure how many will be there this weekend but they are all old enough
and most of their kids have kids of their own for some really good questions around the campfire.

I have been the keeper of the secrets all these years and believe me I can't wait to turn the pages of that book back over to my
family. I've waited a lot of years yet I also know that no matter how it all comes out it isn't really as important as the fact that
 now I can get rid of it all and give the shit back to those who each piece belongs to.

I figure I'll keep quiet till each one of them leave and then give them a little card I have made up with my web sight. I wrote
the extra links that I have to each of their personal story, as I saw it, and give them the chance to put their side of it...so to speak...
Want to be fair about all this...and then post it. Hey they don't have to answer back to me but if they don't shame on them.
The pages go up as written. That's the way I'm planning on handling it all right now. Sounds like the gentlest way to handle it all.

Just a thought.

Will talk to you when I get back home. They still don't have my web pages up, trouble with the servers moving talk city
servers from California to Boston and a couple of them didn't arrive on time so it's been delayed. They are promising
 that they wouldn't lose any of it in the process, which I'm really hoping because the copy I had on my hard drive was erased
 when I had a friend reformat and reload the system this week. Didn't think about it till it was to late. Can't think about it if I
 had to start that all over again. There is a lot of work telling my story there. Some parts I don't think I could ever put together
 again...but you know what happens, happens and I'll go on. Sorry this got so long. I guess I just needed to let it out and you were
it tonight.

Lady J

My son and I got up the next morning and headed out. It was a long ride for me but we made it there after a few stops to eat.
My son had taken a route towards where he lives in north jersey and we stopped at a little place he goes to a lot for lunch.
We arrived at my folk's place late afternoon. My mother was just getting in the car with my oldest sister R to go to church.
My brother P was already there. My brother who lives on the property and his boys where standing by the carport. We all
said our hellos. Just before my mother left my other older sister P arrived with her three girls. After my mother and R with
 her husband J left we all went to the gazebo to talk. P, her husband and girls left to go find their hotel they were going to be
 staying at.

P*** told me all about the week or so before my father died. He had gone up to stay with my dad for the week. My mother
 had gone into the hospital to have both knees replaced. He relayed to me that Dad was in pretty bad shape. He also told me
that there were a lot of things that he wasn't doing. That he had my mother doing for him or my younger brother Philip
do for him. Simple things like putting his shoes on and making his bed. P*** convinced him that He could do them. The
 rest of the time while my mother was in the hospital" He did do all those things." Proved that he could. He had just gotten
into not doing them. Very much not like my father. He was always a doer. These last months though since he had to be put
 on oxygen at home he had started to give up doing anything. My mother relayed to me that he called it his leash. He hated it.
More so I know he hated not being able to do anything he use to. At 80 years old he was giving in and giving up.

When I went inside the house P*** told me that R*** and her husband where sleeping on the front porch. He was sleeping
up at J****'s house. My son said he would sleep up there to. P*** said mom had offered R*** and J*** Dad's room, but
she thought that would be too creepy. Of course I said I didn't mind sleeping there. In fact I looked forward to it. I thought
that it would give me a moment alone with my Dad in his bed to reflect on what had taken place.

My mom got back in about an hour of so. Then my oldest brother P**** and his wife, got there just after his daughter,
her husband and children came. They stayed a while then went off to the hotel rooms they had rented. I went inside to
talk to my mom before I went to bed. I told her that I didn't think she'd mind me taken Dad's room since she has offered
it to R***. She said it was all right but I got the impression that my sister wasn't to keen on it. My sister in law said it
had more to do with "out of respect" so I just wasn't going to let that bother me. R*** was playing the nursemaid and
making sure my mother took her medicine. Made a big deal like she knew everything that had to be done. I knew my
mother was capable of taking care of herself. But she seemed to be humoring my sister by letting her take control.

I thought that I'd have a lot to think about when I laid down to sleep. I spoke to my dad briefly and was asleep before long.
I slept well. Better then I thought I would. I think that being around so much of my family I had dissociated from what I
could have been feeling. There was a peace in the house and after they told me what it was like for my dad the last months
 I could understand that peace.

The next morning I got up and had some breakfast then took a bath. I washed in the soap of mine that I brought with me.
Not thinking much about it, between the perfume smell of that and some power I put on the next thing I know all their
allergies where acting up. I had to go out to the gazebo for a while. They proceeded to spray Lysol around. They could
tolerate that smell better. When I was all done doing my nails and such I went up to my Brothers up the hill to stay till
it was time to go down to the funeral pallor for the viewing.

We all filed into cars and headed to town. When we got out at the funeral home my two older sisters, R*** and P**
got on either side of my mother. They walked in front of Philip and myself. As we got in the doors they went ahead
and Philip grabbed my arm, pulled me back and said "I can't go in there" Most of the time it is hard to understand his
talking but there are other times when He is as clear as can be. And this was one of them. I took him aside and we went
into a little room off to the other side where we sat down on a couch. He was holding his head and kept saying "I can't go
 in there" I told him I understood and we would sit here until he was ready.

I said to him "Remember when Bart died." That was my youngest brother who died in 1974 from leukemia. He said
"I remember" I said "remember that we just went in and saw him in the casket and you said, "he looked like a angel"
and he did all decked out in a white suit and white lining of the casket. "It will be just like that." It was many years ago
and he was much younger. And the circumstances where much different. The whole family wasn't around then. This time
for whatever reason He seemed afraid. I think he just wasn't sure what to expect inside that room.

We hugged and talked for a little while and then I got up and we started across the hall. My brother P*** was standing
 there and he made it as far as the door to the viewing room and he backed out again saying "I can't go in there" I got him
 to sit in the chair next to that doorway. I told him that I'd wait until he was ready. My brothers P**** and P*** tried
the next time to get him inside. He made it about 10 feet into the room this time when he pulled away from them and
headed back to me in the doorway. He sat back down in the chair and said " I'm not ready" I respected his feeling with it.
As long as I was thinking about his feelings I didn't have to deal with mine. I wasn't sure how I was going to react in there
either. Every one else was crying but I wasn't. They were all sad and sorry about it. I was not. And for the two reasons I
mentioned before. First my father would never have wanted to live the way he was, and now for the first time in my life I
didn't have to watch what I said out loud to my family.

After a while when other people started to come in, Philip would get up and greet them at the entrance to the viewing room.
 A lot of older men and women who where part of the VFW group from the war who met every year. Philip recognized most
of them and greeted them telling them "that my mom was inside" This seemed to go a long way to comfort him. Yet every
time I'd ask him if he was ready to go in he would reply "no, my tummy still feels a little nervous" He was really nervous of
the unknown and there was no way any one could quell that feeling.

Soon my oldest sister R*** showed up in the front room. She said she wanted "Philip to go in and be by mommy". Philip
told her "no, I'm not ready" She told him a couple more time with the same response. Finally I looked up at her and said
 " he's not ready and I told him he could stay until he was" R*** just looked at him but directed her comment to me.
"I don't want to hear anything from you. He needs to go into the room and be by Mom." I repeated myself " I told him he
doesn't have to go in till he's ready". With that R*** said to Philip, "Philip come take a walk with me and talk" I told her
"she could just leave him here and talk" She said she wanted him to come with her. Philip looked at me and said " It's ok,
 I'll go" I told him ok and that I'd wait here for him. He got up and she walked him across the hall back to the place where
we had sat down before.

My brother P*** could see the look I had. I could have smacked her for her arrogance. He said that she was handling things
her way, not that it was right but not to get myself mad over it. Philip would be ok. A few moments later she was walking
him back across the hall and asked P**** and P*** to bring him in. He didn't make it any farther and came back out to the chair.

My Aunt Doris had shown up and she was crying when she came in. Philip went up to her and told her " Mommy is inside,
 and you'll be ok once you get in there." I told him he must have been feeling better about going in since he had told Aunt
Doris she'd be ok inside. He still said he wasn't ready yet.

The next thing I know was that my sister's husband came out and started by telling Philip "Now you know that you have
 to be a big man now. Your mom is going to need you to be strong for her" that about put me through the roof. I spat right
 back before Philip could say anything. "He's not going in till he's ready"

I guess the tune of my voice and I quite imagine the looks told the story. How dare this man tell this man-child that?
First off who the hell did he think he was, and did my sister think because she was intimidated by me that this guy would
back me down? I don't think so. And there is no way that Philip was going to be the "man" about the house now that my
father was dead. Her husband got up and went back inside. Guess my sister and mother got that settled.

It was another 15 minutes or so and my mother "finally" came out of the viewing room and told Philip " I need you to come
in with me". He tried to make a little fuss but my mom sternly said "come on now". So with that Philip played a kid still and
grabbed both P**** and P***. He had them hold him like they had tried the other times then headed through the doors.
 P*** told me later that he still held back even then but they told him to look straight ahead and then look at Aunt Doris.
They told him he needed to sit by her.

So in his dramatic way he did just that. Straight headed and sat next to her and put his arm around her. That was all he really
needed was my mother to be there and to be stern like she is then given a second thing to think about. Being there for some
one else. Just like I had been there for him a half of hour before.

After a while the VFW guys got up to say a few words in front of my dad's casket. Philip got up with them. P**** and P***
still by his side. Along with them he saluted Dad and as the guys walked away they took him up to the casket where he knelt
down and said a prayer. His kind I guess. (He is mongaloid) I knew he'd be all right. After he was done he got up, leaned over
 and kissed my father, and then proceeded to go around to every one in the room and greet them all over again. That's the man
-child for you.

The real problem here was that everyone else was thinking about how they where going to feel. They never gave Philip's
feelings a thought. The only other person in our family that would have done the same thing I did was my sister Anne, but
she hadn't arrived there yet. I was glad that I was there at that moment for him.

The rest of the time was small talk and then we headed back to the house. Every one had made some food and we all sat
 around and visited for a few hours. The second viewing at night was going to be a religious thing with the church people.
My brother said I might want to stay home with my one other sister in law who had brought her dogs. Didn't think I'd enjoy
that anyhow. I didn't mind be suggested to that I'd stay home. Guess they didn't want a repeat of the afternoon in front of the
 friends.

While they where all there my daughter had contacted my son and told him that she was coming in late and she'd be staying
down town. I decided that I would meet her there and spend the night with her. I didn't want to be around the family there
when they got back. I knew myself well enough that it would take just one word to start it and me off. It wasn't time yet.

I asked my son to let me borrow the truck and meet him at the church in the morning. He wasn't having any part of that. Doesn't
trust me with his truck. Silly boy. He couldn't understand it. Why I just couldn't stay on the hill and visit. Thought his sister was
rude to not come up there. She was just trying to get her way. I said " It wasn't her idea to go down it was mine" I tried to explain
the best I could that if I stayed there I might make it very unpleasant for everyone. He was having a hard time with "why couldn't
I just visit and not say anything"

Finally I asked one of my brothers to take me down and told John I'd call him in the morning to pick me up or we'd take a
cab over. On the way down I told this brother " I know my self and if I stayed up there, before the night was over I'd be saying
a few things that this family is not going to want to hear" He didn't ask more about it just drove me there.

Anne arrived a while later and I slept well. Got up and took a nice shower with my own soaps and peacefully got ready. Called
John to come and get us, which of course was met with grumblings but he came and got us. We where the first of the family to
 arrive at the church.

We all gathered at the front of the church. All the men in the family carried the casket in. We all filed in after them. A little
confusion about what we were supposes to do. The priest wanted us to go sit up front but my mother had told us to stay in back
and follow her and the casket down. Philip was going to be serving mass with the priest. So that kept him occupied. When
people were there and seated they started the mass. They took the flag off of my father's casket and put on the church veil.
My mother held on to the back of it and we all proceeded down the aisle.

It was a usual Catholic mass except instead of a big sermon the priest talked about my father and the family. My son told me
 later that the night before after the service he had stopped to talk to the priest and told him a few things about my father.
The priest included them in the sermon. I let myself cry only once and that was when they sang "Amazing Grace" it was the
 one song my father had always whistled when he walked around and worked. You always knew he was happy when you heard it.
 If he was working and wasn't making music, approach with caution.

As the service ended and before any one could leave, my brother Philip stopped what he was doing at the altar and said "there's
food down stairs" That's my boy, always thinking about food first. It made us all smile. It was so him.

We left the church and drove over to the cemetery where the VFW men did a salute to my dad. There were a few chairs in
front of the grave. My sister A was left standing up. I kept looking her way hoping to catch her eye so I could have her come
 over and sit next to me. I knew that she must be especially in pain at that moment. My father and her had a falling out so to
speak 20 years ago. It was because my mother only told him what she wanted him to know about the letter she had written
 to her. Enough to make him angry with her. But none of the truth. She wasn't ready to even tell me about some of the details
of the letter. I wish she had been able. It was the beginning of my mother's secret about us girls being molested by our
brothers. She never looked my way and I watched her stand there just looking at the grave.

After we ate back at the church, we had family photos taken. All of us together in one photo. Then they took pictures of each
family alone with my mother. It was actually one of the first time that most of the family was there. All the brothers and sister's
 with most of the grand children in a picture first. My sister Anne had invited me to come and spend the night at her house.
 I accepted and told my son, John he could pick me up in the morning on the way out.

I said good bye to my daughter, Anne, who was getting a ride home with my younger brother, M******. Then her husband
and son drove me up to my mother's to collect my things. I didn't want to be there any more. I also was looking forward to
 being able to talk to my sister about what I was feeling. We went for a boat ride with her whole family. Her teenage son was
giving her a hard time but I survived it. We had some dinner and headed home.

About the time we got there her son made a comment about her being upset around the family. He didn't know why She let them
bother her. Sounded a lot like my son talks. He sometimes doesn't understand why I let them get to me. He knows why but it's
beyond his reason because he never lived in this family unit. As we where getting out of the van I told her that I would like to
talk to her about it all. She put her daughter in bed and came out to deliver the boat to a friend's house and we got to talk. I
 told her about my dissociate side and what I intended to do with telling them all what I thought about them and letting them read
 my web sight. And she told me about all she could remember they did to her. Even 10 years earlier when I had try to talk to her
 about it she wasn't ready to confide in me. I had told her most of my story then, but it took a few years of counseling for her
to be able to come to terms with it. She told me she has a personality disorder also. She's done so well with all.

We talked for a few hours out side about our mother and family and all the denial that runs deep in my mother. I did most of
 the talking I think. I was just so glad to talk to some one that had some of the same things happen to her. She was never hit like
I was, but she did see what happened to the older children who were home. I never realized how abandoned she must have felt
when us older girls where not there. I was so rapped up in getting away I never thought that the boys would transfer their abuse
 to her. She was spared my oldest brother thank god, I think he was the worse, but I felt so bad knowing now that the other younger
 boys had molested her after that. Such a shame. I only wish that she could have talked to me 20 years ago and we could have
 confronted my mother together and supported each other. But neither one of us where in a place that we could of. She is the
only one who will validate my story.

It got late and she said she would have loved to sit there and talk more but she had to get up early and take her oldest
daughter to the school she would be starting in the fall. I thanked her for being there tonight and talking with me. Then
we both went to bed. She still had to pack her stuff for the trip. I slept well; it was good to get some of the stuff out in a
safe place.

The next morning my son came and picked me up for the ride home. He had made a comment about how I couldn't have
stayed up on the hill so he could have visited with me more. I told him that there was no way I could have stayed there and
not said something that would have set things off. He made a comment about why couldn't I just let go of the past and not
say anything. Just have a little respect for my mother; she had just lost her husband. His tone of voice wasn't being very
respectful to me and I told him so. " How come it's ok for me to let you say what is on your mind. I don't stop you from
telling me any thing that bothers you. How about you having a bit more respect for me. This is what I deal with all my life.
 I never hurt my dad with it because he had nothing to do with it. Now that he is gone, if I need to bring it up into the open
and deal with it why shouldn't I have the same choise." With that it was settled. I made my point well. We didn't talk about it
 again all the way home.

Shortly after I was back home my younger brother, M****** sent an email with all of the family email addys. He expressed
that the younger children wanted the family to be closer. That we should try to get together more. These are the few emails
that went back and forth the next week.

I sent this email to R, P, P, P, M, J, and A***. I did not send it to younger brother A***** because he was the only one of
them that had nothing to do with the sexual abuse. R***'s email was returned as not known. I didn't get any back from P***,
sister P** or brother J****. Though I know that he had gotten it. He had given a copy to my mother when she told him she
had talked to me about if any of the family tell you I sent them a terrible email that it was something that was between them
and me. It's all about that letter you chose to put in the closet 20 years ago."

My first email out

Subject: a time to remember

Date: Thu 27 Jun 2002

http://home.talkcity.com/InspirationAv/ladyj1952  (MY FIRST PERSONAL WEBSITE)

This book is 20 years old and has been added too much in the last few years. As I watched you all cry for the father who
had past, I could be glad for the beginning of my life. I have been the keeper of the secrets and the holder of the key.
As this younger generation wants to get together more then we have, I can't help but wonder how you all have ever explained
to your children why this family can't be together and what causes all the family to stay away.

Not just from each other, but from telling the truth. I am proud to say my children know the truth and accept it, deal with
it and have grown past it. I no longer have to worry about hurting a man who knew nothing about how I was raised and the
things that happened to me. I was grateful for the few times he was allowed to share in my life and allow me to know a bit
of his life that would help me understand.

There are many pages and stories that have not been put on the general site. They have been the stories that have only
been shared with other dissociated people who know and validate the life I have had. They have been held out to protect
 a man who didn't deserve to be hurt by shattering the delusion of all he had provided for us.

My apologies only needed to be made to Anne. She is the youngest one of us and was the most misunderstood. I am proud
to say today, She has survived as I did our family origin. We are the keepers of the secrets that no longer need to be kept.

The saddest day of my life was when I made the choice not to hurt my father by telling him the truth and knowing that he
would never truly know me until his death when all things would be made clear to him. That time as come. Any one else who
would like to know the truth only has to ask...each one of you know your own truth of why you have done the things in you life...
I'd like to only know from you the "why?" That pertains to what you did to me. That's part of my journey, to ask the reason why...
and learn where in your life you learn that it was ok. Twenty years in the mental health field has given me all the possible reason,
but only you each held the honest and true answers. Any one cares to share?

Dear Jacki,

I have not read your web site yet as my time today limited me to scanning the first page. I will read the rest later.

Delusional? I think not. He gave you life, a roof over your head (more then once), food on the table and the freedom
to make your life what you wanted it to be. What you did in your life were your choices and he let you do it. If you
needed help he was there, all you had to do was ask. You chose not to tell him, your fault not his.

I had my discussion 24 years ago, took my stance and held to it. Mom and dad took theirs and did it their way. I regret
nothing that happened or didn't happen between us. They had a different philosophy on life and how they dealt with
things as they had a right too. I don't fault them for it, it just limited my contact with them because I had my philosophies
and wouldn't yield either. My choice and I can live with it.

I do not know what the "deep dark secrets" might be that you seemed to allude to. (Maybe I will get to that later in your book)
 But as far as you and me go, you picked a life style that I certainly was not going to use as an example as one that I wanted my
children to follow. From my side there is nothing I have done to you, you have to except the credit for that yourself. If you
 have straightened your life out now, that is fantastic and I am happy for you. Maybe as we meet in the future.
We might get closer. We might not.

I am not pushing to all of a sudden mend fences and be a great big loving family. We all still have our differences that have
 kept us apart and for the most part probably still do. Maybe in time that might change, we will have to see. All I want to do
for now is lay some groundwork for keeping in touch as a group. Our kids seem to enjoy each others company and I enjoyed
seeing them together. They all looked like a great bunch of your adults getting their lives together and I hope that I get to see
 them again and watch them grow up to be successful. Since more then one of them mentioned another family reunion, I am
just giving them and us a means to start the process. We will see where it goes from here.

By the way, thanks for A's e-mail address and you left brother A***** off your copy of this. I have gotten a few corrections,
a few additions and still need a couple of more to keep the list up to date. I will send an update out to all when I get them in
the next couple of days.

M

Reply to him from me

I have to thank you for forwarding this to every one. I thought it was more appropriate to send the letter out and let each
 person have their personal response. Silly me thought that it would be easier for the members to be honest with me
 because I was the one asking the questions that only truly pertain to each one of us individually. Then each one of us could
 share the experience involved with out the feeling of being judged by the others.

I also believe that all things happen at the proper time so I will take it as it comes. If you are interested in receiving the
responses and learning along with me just let me know. Most of the answers that come back will go through different stages.
 First the anger and denials. The defensiveness and justification for their actions. And then acceptance and growth.

These are the stages and steps to recovery...it's a wonderful and fulfilling journey with highs and lows and steps backward
along the way...Smile you have taken the first steps. I welcome you on this path walk as you may...chose when you're able. Jacki

His reply...

Dear Jacki

I do not know of any other steps I am taking. You asked, I told, I'm done. There are no other steps I need to go through.

Maybe we will catch up more at the next reunion.

Best regards, M

He just didn't get the picture. I could be part of no reunion with this family as long as they continue to say things like
"I did nothing". Sure if they don't need to go further with it that's theirs to choose. But it's far from over for me.

To M

Subject: thank you for your reply

Date: 28 Jun 2002

Take your time reading. It is a long story. And remember that it is my story. To begin to answer some of your questions I will
begin by clarifying the delusional part I refer to be that us children where raise in a safe home. It has nothing to do with what
was considered proper and appropriate for the day. It has nothing to do with the food on the table, the clothes on our back or
the roof over our head. Whether or not it was considered discipline for that age. What went on under that roof in my life was
wrong in any sense of the word.

The pain caused by the "discipline" physically has left scars both in mind and body. The emotional Pain of the abuse and
incest that was never addressed in this family has been my chose not to reveal to our father. Our youngest sister was the
 first one to reveal it our mother, who chose at the time to only reveal some of what she had written to her in a letter.
That letter she wrote and was received back then remains in Mom's closet these last twenty years by her choose. Out of
respect for that choose it has not been brought up again.

I was the only one that I know of who talked in front of dad about our grandpa Joe who molested not only me but the girls
 in our Aunt's family also. That was safe to talk about because he was gone when the stories started to come out. Mom said
she was told but didn't really believe it at the time. That's the biggest problem with this subject is that no one wants to talk
about it.

This is not a blame game; it's the beginning of a healing for those of us who lived it. It was not my chose to have that happen
 to me. But happened it did. And yes it did have a lot to do with the chooses and events of my life for many years. Yes I chose
 not to tell him that things happened in our house that shouldn't have. Our mother was not equiped or emotionally able to cope
 and protect us from it. And that goes back to her family of origin.

I don't expect any of the family to instantly validate the life that existed under that roof. This in only a beginning and you
 may chose to learn or not. It's not something you need to do, but it is something that I need to do.

This is not about regretting anything that did or didn't happen. We all know what happened. Each one of the boys in our
 family, except one, was involved at some point with not only me but also the youngest sister. I've yet to have all the
facts in on P**...and that will be her chose. It will not even matter to us whether or not any of you can acknowledge and
be willing to learn the effect that it had on us. You didn't start it, hell you where down the line in the long list.

My apologies to Anne where for not knowing and understanding it sooner in order to help her. For leaving her to feel
abandoned when in order to survive I had to leave there. It had nothing to do with their philosophies it had to do with survival.

And I have survived, and I don't regret the path my life has gone through since then as you will read in my stories. Above
all I had to accept and move on and deal with what was left. There are no fences to mend from after each of of us left that
 home. We all survived the only way we could and that was by making chooses and living by them and with them.

So there is the beginning...and it's only by communicating the truth in this family and holding each person accountable
for that truth do I move on with my life. Thank you for writing back...past the defensiveness is the answers...silence has
been this families sorrow...Because it is

Jacqueline

A few things that need to be added to this first set of letter's here.

One, he never took the time to read my story and learn what I was talking about. Two, he never bothered to ask
what it was that I was referring to. I know that after reading more of the story he called my sister Anne and asked
her if there was any truth to it and she told him she had no doubt there was. She shared her story with him and he
told her he was truly sorry. And that he would try to be closer in the future. But has never gotten back to me again
to ask any more questions.

Then there's the part about my lifestyle that he didn't want his children exposed to. Now the only person he would
 have gotten any information from would of course been from my mother and I know that she had a whole different
 version of my life style far from the truth at times. He never bothered to ask me my story so I know he didn't know
it and wouldn't until he reads all of it. Funny though to me that he like my other brother's replies that you will read
next both claim that they saw things different and stood their ground. He can't admit that even when it came to the
"discipline" we endured in our family that there was any thing wrong with it. Then again they are not dissociated
and don't understand the effect it had on me.

These are the emails from my oldest brother P

Subject: a time to remember

Date: 30 Jun 2002

Jackie, (he doesn't know how I spell my name)

You're my sister and I love you but you still need much help. I read quite a bit of your book and your perception on
most of it is out of sync with the reality I remember. There are smatterings of truth but a wealthy proliferation of
fantasy, if you truly perceived your life that way- then the mental and psychological impact could be nothing but horrific.

Your perception of Dad and Mom defies logic. They raised 11 children and that in itself is no small task they gave us
what they could which at times was only what we needed. I remember the small cup of ice cream we each got sometimes
 on Sunday nights as a treat. I enjoyed the memory because it may have meant that they went without something themselves
 for us to have it. Your memory is probably that you couldn't understand why there wasn't more for you.

Dad and Mom had their beliefs and ideas and for those times they weren't wrong. What you seemed to have missed is
their beliefs in being responsible, doing your best, working hard for the family, and so much more. You seem to forget
 I rebelled quite a bit myself, Mom having to go to school to get me reinstated because of my actions - I'll never
forget her crying in the school office because of the pain I had caused. Dads having to justifiably straighten me out
when my actions and language was inappropriate to him and mom as well as others in and out of the family.

You have first hand knowledge of my drug activity before and after entering the Army, My association with persons
who Dad and Mom would not have approved of if it had been known. I did many things you can't even imagine -
then again maybe you could in your mind - I probably should apologize to R***, P***, P**, M****** and you for
 things done as a child but you know it would probably go both ways if everyone was being truthful. There were times
 when I was unjustly accused and punished for things I didn't do but I haven't internalized them and made them the reasons
for my self-justifications.

Would you rather have had Dad and Mom just let you run wild and do the things you wanted, when and how you wanted?
Where do you think that would have lead? You see the period of imprisonment at home under Mom's rule as a terrible
time and couldn't wait to escape. Guess what? The easy thing to do would have been to have you locked up at a state
facility/home- but Dad and Mom had more love for you and more hope for you then to have let that happen -
it was no picnic for them if you ever stopped and looked.

I didn't always understand then what I do now but I know it was out of their love and concern for us that they did
what they did in raising us.

There are things about me you don't know and never will about my service in the Army. Endeavors since retiring
from the Army, that has brought me into contact with situations and persons who came from such facilities and
homes. Most of them are back there or in places that are worse or dead. None of these would I ever want to
see happen to you and well might have if Dad and Mom had taken the easy way out and just washed their hands of you?

Labeling your older brothers, especially me, as perverted and your grandfather as a molester also defies justification.
We've all done things when we were children that weren't always right but in most cases there are two sides to every
 story but in yours there is only that- YOURS! Maybe admitting to your complacency would muddle up your attempts
 to portray yourself as the victim and detract from not admitting to some responsibility on your part. I wasn't and still
am not perfect and never will be. There are many things which on looking back on we all most likely wish we change
things if we could but all you can do is learn from them and move on. Maybe you just can't see clear enough for that.
Maybe it's just that, all you want to see in your growing up.

You've bared your soul to all with those things you wanted to bear but in what frame of mind- drug induced or drug
controlled or drug modified. I know that some of the times you spent with Roger  (my first husband) for periods
you cite- we must have been in different dimensions I guess.

Your whole story centers around you as the victim, the abused, the misunderstood, the neglected, the unappreciated.
You dwell in the place because to be outside it would mean you'd have to own up to your part and responsibility.
Which as I've told you before in years past you have never done. Your externalization of all the "wrongs" in your life
is what has lead you to where you are now. Along with some serious medication.

Also, as to your comment in you e-mail that "your twenty years in the mental health field" should really read
"twenty years treatment for mental health" I think this is probably where most of your thinking comes from.
Your own words are that twenty years "have given me all the possible reason". You've had people tell you you're
 a survivor (because that's their job to help you see yourself in the light of being a victim) and given you every
excuse to put the blame on everyone else (to justify and hide your own shortcomings). Or planted seeds of thought,
 which grew, and you saw as originally being yours (you just hadn't recognized them as such before).

As to you never telling Dad the truth- that just means that if you had the other side of the stories would also have
been told - and that wouldn't fit in the self-pitiful view of you life. Yes, you're right Dad now knows all the past things
the we all have done and understands them in a light that we can not fathom and I firmly believe he has forgiven each
and every one of us- including you and your failings.

As to your story being shard with other "dissociate people who know and validate the life I have had". I can only say
that if others read things like your story and seek validation or justification from it they are being done a disservice
 and will not find resolution to their problems with it's reading. No where in your story -unless I missed them all - are
 there any rays of hope, satisfaction, good memories, or things, which could be perceived as positive. If that truly is your
perception of your life you deserved every ounce of love and understanding we as a family can offer you. But you must be
willing to accept us as a family with all our failings and realize that the family and/or any of its members didn't set out in life
to screw yours up. You chose your path, you walked it and now you have it's consequences to bear. It was your choice to see
them as the enemy and sought to be an outsider to this family. Dad and Mom were always there to help and always did when you
would let them -the times you wouldn't aren't their fault.

You've spent your life going from man to man trying to seek acceptance, self-justification or just plain physical and
emotional stability outside of yourself. Those can only come from within. You still haven't realized it either- as it is
apparent you're still trying to point fingers blaming and seeking apologizes where you can to validate events in your life.

You've written some poems, which I enjoyed and I'm going to attach one of mine, which was written when thinking over
 how I endeavored to raise my children looking backwards. My children will tell you I'm far from the perfect and I was
quite difficult raising me in the manner they saw fit and to the reverse also. They now have their own families to raise and
I wish them the best at that task. Also attached I one, which was written to Paula at a special time in her life, which I believe,
applies to all children and a parent's role within God's Plan which is different for each of us.

I didn't feel all of these things in the poems when I was growing up and strove to see that my children did and I didn't get
those things right from the start every time either. That isn't to say I'm any better a parent than Dad and mom just I did it
differently - different generation - different times. It was still based on the strong foundation they gave me that I took
out of my upbringing and I thank them for it. I wasn't a perfect son growing up or a perfect brother. Neither a perfect
father or husband and I apologize for any failing on my part but I can't change the past. No one forgets the past it only
 has to be put into context to be understood and forgiveness given where necessary. A priest at Paula's wedding said
something which hit home very significantly as I'd never thought of it that way - "The opposite of love is not hate -
it is self" If we see nothing but ourselves it will destroy any love we encounter. It'll also cloud our perception of reality
based on a self-centered bias.

It's good the younger generation is getting to know each other. As to the family not being able to get together it's not
based on any of the things you've detailed. We have had diverse lives, jobs, family obligations, and separation due to the
 same. It was not due to the feeling of having to or wanting to stay away on my part. That's your perception based on your
view of reality. You say your children know the truth, accept it and have moved on - your probably right but the truth they've
accept. I'd venture to guess is that they realize that your sense of being the secret keeper as well as the keeper of the keys
 might be just what your story suggests. A story with little basis in reality but long on self imposed fiction. If they believe
it and accept it as told by you they have been done an injustice. Anyone who knows this family also will know better.

This is a pretty lengthy reply I know but it's better than my first reaction when I rec'd the e-mail - which was to punch
you in the face for having little or no consideration for Dad's memory or Mom's feelings. The only saving grace was she
didn't have a computer for you to reach her on. That feeling has passed though. I love you and always will, I hope you
can find peace in your life and come to terms with yourself and how you feel life has been messed up for you. Anytime
 you want to get together you're welcome to contact me and we can sit down and talk. E mailing is easy but not my preferred
 means of communicating.

Love, P****

My reply

Subject: Welcome to my world...

Date: 30 June 2002

I am of many minds, and depending on which one you find me in depends on how I feel. I'm going to "try" to go down your
letter and answer what I can right now. And thank you for writing back. You are the second to write. I do look forward to
reading the rest also.

About the "but" you still need much help. Again welcome to my world. There is no cure for me only life one day at a time.
Some days one hour at a time, because things change.

Remember that you can't remember what was my reality... no more then I can know what yours was. It is my reality and just
because you can't see it doesn't make it fantasy. When you added the " if you truly perceived your life that way- the mental
and psychological impact could be nothing but horrific" keep that thought in mind as I answer your reply. Because it was
 horrific for all that and me I became.

My perception of Dad and Mom only defies your logic. Remember it's my perceptions of things that keep me there. And
not all of me. Just parts that can't get past some of the things that happened to me. Why? Well that's a million-dollar
question...and no one really knows for sure. Maybe never, but that's no concern to me right now.

Sure they raised 11 children and as you yourself can admit, it's really the children who raise themselves and the parents
who grow up to be what they want them to be. It wasn't an easy task by no means and one that most of us chose not to
undertake. I never once wondered why there wasn't more. You'll never find anything about the things you point out bothering
 me. What I needed was something that even the mental health field couldn't have given me at the time. What I state are
the facts as they effected me. And the things that I remembered. Not all of my experiences are on that sight. All of the
 pages aren't even accessible from there. That's because they have nothing to do with you or the family.

Dad and Mom had their beliefs and ideas and being those times you can say they weren't wrong, but I'd stand by the fact that
they where. Otherwise I wouldn't be hearing how everyone chose not to raise his or her children that way.

In your next paragraph you said exactly what I said "probably should apologize to R, P, P, M and me for things done as a child,
but you know it would probably go both ways if everyone was being truthful." I have no doubt that there were times when you
were unjustly accused and punished for things you didn't do, and you didn't internalize them. This is not about self-justifications.
Just try to keep reading those last two sentences over and over again. That's what my world are like, just the same things over and
over again and no one ever taking that step and saying I'm sorry.

I'd surely like to know what I did to you that caused you pain. Your letter said that labeling your older brothers, especially me,
as perverts and your grandfather as a molester also defies justification. All you need do is ask our mother about that. Her
sister and I told her about what grandpa Joe did to not only me but to other girls also. Even Dad found out about that when
 I told them all. As far as you and P, Mom also has a twenty-year-old letter in her closet that started to explain some of that
from Anne.

Mom chose not to share it with Dad only told him about some of the remarks in it. The shame was that it was about Anne and
she was unable to talk about it all then. Her, Like Me, couldn't bring us to set that straight with out Mom listening to all of it.
And as in our childhood we where told to respect our parents wishes that she wasn't ready to show it to Dad. She didn't know
if she would at another time, I don't think she ever did. And that's a whole other story...as far as you being worried that she would
 have gotten the email... she has the letter and she chose not to except the truth then and until Anne is ready to cross that bridge
We both have decided not to force it. The only way she'll be brought into this is when one of the others goes to her before they
go to me...

So rest a sure that Dad wasn't told because of any failing on our part, but out of some feeling that he didn't need to be hurt by
either one of us proving that the women he left to raise us, didn't know what went on in her own house. There is no other
side to the story...We were molested and it had a profound effect on us. The other side of the story is???? We asked for it?
We told you to do it? what??? Give us the other side of the story...that's what we could use.

My good memories you don't know and for now you don't need to know. You couldn't see anything positive even if you looked
 for it. You are not dissociated, you are not a multiple and you weren't affected by your life. I had to accept this family and their
 failings along time ago, and I never said that this family set out in life to screw mine up. That's a guilt statement. The anger and
the things that come to mind as the first things that you would do, speak the volumes of my past ...and guess what...if you felt
them then they are still inside of you to, so take a look inside...what was that you said " I haven't internalized them and made them
 the reason for my self-justifications" I didn't chose this path...I walk it everyday. E mailing is much better for me because I can
 reread and reread until I can understand it... You see there is no cure or magic pill to make my inner world go away. That's who
 I am in case you didn't see that written in my story.

And you can't bull shit in black and white.

Just a few more thoughts floating around after reading your letter again. You asked " would you rather have had Dad and Mom
just let you run wild and do the things you wanted, when and how you wanted? You see the period of imprisonment at home under
Mom's rule as a terrible time and couldn't wait to escape".

What you didn't know about that time was that I was taken out of the only safe place I had and forced to remain at home for
 almost two months with out any outside contact. You can't possibly know what it's like to have two or three different worlds
and then be cut off from them. Did you even know that mom and me both had chooses to make at the time? She didn't want
them to put me away, and I was asked what I wanted. I could go to a home or go home. And Mom had to make a chose. That
if I can home with her, she had to let me go on with my life. She took me out of school. The presiding official told her plainly
that She couldn't keep me a prisoner and not let me have a life.

And that was the last of that.

I was allowed to go out and go to work and live. Dad left it up to Mom as he always did. There aren't any secrets between
Mom and me about that. She thought that if she kept me home and there was no outside contact she had control over me,
but not all of me. What happened to me the night that I kept walking away from the house and didn't turn back was cause
for alarm. The mental health field didn't know as much as they do now about treating dissociate episodes, but they knew
what the signs where. And a lot of other people who had what I do didn't make it and are dead. Don't think for a moment
that those people where unlike me and, it's only by the grace of a power greater then myself, "God", that I am alive. Why
some of us come out if it assertive, not suicidal and functional, they do not know but some of us are.

You keep referring back to understanding that it was out of love and concern for us that they did what they did raising us.
I marvel that the repeating theme is that I blame them and hold some sort of illness toward them. I am not a victim. I am
a survivor. As far as owning up to my responsibility, that's what I did with my own children. That's what I talk about when
I say that my children know the truth. I gather from what you write that you think they know the truth about what each
one of you did. They know there are things that happened and how they shaped my thinking.

What they got to do was be honest with me about things that I did when they where young that needed to be addressed and
my apologies for the way I was when they were young. Mostly before I started to understand the disorder and what I needed
 to do, so as not to effect the rest of their lives. They have always been allowed to express themselves when it comes to how
 I behave. It was hard for them to understand that there were times in my life that I was a different person. So enough again for
 now...write more later.

Email from youngest sister A

Subject: re: how are you doing?

Date: 10 July 2002

I am doing just fine. I have been both very busy (out of town most of the last week) and I don't always check my E-mail
that often. With six people on line it is not always easy to find a time to check my E-mail and respond.

I don't care if you want to forward any e-mail that is just fine. I don't have any desire to confront anyone. As I said when
 you were here, I have no great desire to relive my past. But it no longer bothers me to hear about or talk about the past.
 M****** called me last night and we talked for about an hour and a half. I told him my story and that I had no question
that your story had validity. He seemed truly surprised and sincerely sorry. He said he wasn't sure what to do next, but said
 he would like to be closer in the future.

I still have not had any substantial time to read your web page. I have looked it over a little. I hope to find some time in
the next week. I will be away working for State Education Department in Albany and hope to find a night or two free to
look at it in more detail.

I got to go for now. Keep in touch.

Anne

Email from A's husband, L

Subject: Anne, things

Date: 15 July 2002

Jackie,

This is your brother-in-law, L. Let me know if I have your e-mail address right. A is in Albany. Everybody is calling.
Get back to me if you can.

I replied

Subject: re: A, things

Date: 19 July 2002

Yes you got it right. I got an email from Anne last week. She said that M****** had called her. He asked Her if she
thought what I was saying was true. Funny how they doubted me. I'm waiting for a letter from my mother. She left a
message on my cell phone telling me that she was writing a letter and that she didn't want to hear from me until "she"
decided what to do. Boy, does she have that one backwards.

I had told Anne that night I was there that I didn't lay the shit out while I was there because it would not have been the
 right time. But P**** and M****** answered back with replies that I expected. Guilt shouts pretty loud. I already
told my mom that I sent letters out to the family and that it wasn't between her and me. It was between the family and
me. I reminded her that she chose 20 years ago to put A's letter in the closet and didn't know if she would let Dad read
 it at a later time. She only let him know what she wanted him to know. That's the game she has always played. I'm glad
that Anne could talk about things more this time we talked. Seven years ago she still wasn't ready to talk about it when
I asked. But I knew more about what she felt then she ever knew because of the things that happen to me.

I made a decision 20 years ago that until my father was gone that He didn't need to be hurt with knowing that his wife
 who he left the care of us children to, didn't know what was happening under her roof. She couldn't bring herself to
talk to me about it 20 years ago, but now that she doesn't have to worry about Dad knowing it will be interesting to
 me to see what she has to say now.

Believe me this is not a blame game, life happened and I've grown past it, the only things that I would like now is to
be able to tell the truth that no one in our family ever dealt with. If they chose not to ever speak to me again, that no
big deal, they don't speak to me anyhow. You know what I mean. 20 years ago Mom turned a lot of the family against
Anne, and she wasn't ready to stand up to them. Most likely for the same reason I left it alone too. Partly because I saw
no need to hurt my father with it, and partly because if he had not believed us and sided with Mom as he always did, it
would have ended any relationship with him. I believe now that He knows it all and I pray for guidance in how I word my
reply to my Mom's letter. The bottom line is that it's between the family, Not between my mother and me. There is
nothing she can do about it now, but as for the family there are things they can say about it. Only time will tell if this
family can heal, they might not want to. And that is something I have no control over, but I don't have to worry about
that too much. It'll all be just another page in my story.

Take care of each other and I'll talk to you again. .Jacki

Now things got quiet on the home front.

No more emails and no letter from my Mom

August 1st was my mother and mine's birthday. So I decided to call her and wish her
 "Happy Birthday" and ask why I had received a letter yet. She said, " that every time
she sat down to write, she would remember more stuff"

I jumped in hopeful that she was remembering what I had talked with her about. I said,
" Can you tell me what you where remembering"

Her answer was not what I had expected.

She said, " that she started to remember all the lies I had told everyone, starting from when
I was 16 and ran away from home. The lies I had told the priest who brought me home about
 my life at home. The lies I was telling about my grand father"

I said, " they weren't lies. You where in my kitchen in Ogdensburg when we talked about
Grand Pa Joe and Dad was standing right there. You told me your sister had told you about
things and you didn't believe her. Dad went out side and I asked why he did. You said "
that it upsets him to hear things like that".

She said she didn't remember that. Then she said " that my father did every thing for me and
how dare I say these things about the family. You used us and then walked out and left him with
a mortgage on your trailer that we couldn't afford."

"Wait a minute" I said " you where the one who stood right there in your kitchen and told me that
if I wanted to live down town with Sal and get on with my life that I should let Dad take over the payments.
" Which by the way was only 150.00 a month. I still owed less 3,000 on it. I had redone the mortgage when
 I left my job. The trailer was 6,000 to start, and then I put all new appliances into it and a new furnace.
I had been paying for it for 5 years I think and put my car payment into it when I recast it. I didn't realize
 till now though how my mother had maneuvered that one to get me off the hill. J****, my brother, had married
and made a home on the hill, and she didn't need me any more. She did the same thing to my sister, Anne as
I look back on it. Getting us out of my dad's life her way.

She said " I don't remember that all I remember is getting a mortgage we didn't need." What a lie she can spin.
And she's trying to tell me that I've lied to suit my own ends. Also she doesn't seem to admit that after I left the
trailer that my father rented it to P*** and J***'s babysitter to live in so that they would be on the property.
They where an older couple too and that's who they chose to leave their kids with. And that's another story.

My mom then went into telling me " that I was ruining people's lives with my lies, and she never realized before
 what I was talking about my condition. That if the court looked inside my brain they would know that I was really
 sick and put me into an institution." Talk about not being in reality. I wonder which one of the family suggested
that one. I wondered who was afraid of this ruining their life.

She then said " that my brother J**** is real mad at me and doesn't want me to set foot on the property.
You'd have to call him if you wanted to go up there. But I have no interest in seeing you until you get your
head straighten out."

I said " there is nothing wrong with my head and the stories are true whether you care to believe them or not.
You knew about it 20 years ago and put the letter in your closet and chose not to deal with it. Call me sometime
 when you want to talk."

She said "I don't think that I will be able to."

I told her that I think that she will get around to it.

I hung up the phone and cried a little because I knew then that unless it became important to her she would
have a hard time changing her story with the family. I was making her look bad, and of course being the one
in the family who is "mentally ill" she has that in her favor. I'm not worried though because I have the truth
on my side and I can go to sleep at night not worrying about saying the wrong thing to any one. That's the
great thing about the truth, it never changes.

So I haven't heard anything from any one since. Still no reply backs from P***, or P**. Not sure why but
I would like to hear from brother P*** and get things settled between us? There's the thing about my
daughter Anne that I plan to talk to him about.

Sent: Wednesday, February 09, 2005 11:06 PM

Subject: (no subject)

This is your brother-in-law, Lee. How are you doing?

I just found out yesterday the full extent of the sexual abuse Anne suffered, and I assume similar to you.
 Although Anne chooses to put it behind her, in reality, it has ruined her life in many ways. She had
serious mental problems including multiple personality disorder, and even to this day is affected in
very many ways.

I just wanted to let you know that I know that you are right, and people should have vindicated you
rather than protected the wrong doers.

I hope things are going well for you.

Lee

I always thought that it was weird the way Anne interacted with her family. Your mother always said it was close-knit, but if Anne
never went up there it wouldn't bother her, except for Philip. I actually forced her to go up, but I am sure they thought that I was
the one that kept her away. Maybe I should not have encouraged going there. Then when we were there, they were a lot more
demonstrative in their feelings than I was used to. I just chalked it up to a different culture.

I didn't see the letter you sent, or even hear too much about it. It was when Anne talked to me much about things, and she made it
very clear that you were telling the truth. Her position was that you were right, but that she got over it and you dwell on it and that
isn't right for her. I understand her point, but in reality it is because we have a comfortable life and she can still hide it and doesn't
need to confront it. Maybe she could go on this way forever, but if she broke. It would be bad like before. I guess me only disagreement
with her is that you are doing things the right way, so I am more supportive of that, but if the current situation works for Anne, I'm not
going to force her to deal with it. It really is okay for us now, but by her not being as outspoken, it lets the family segregate you and
make it seem like you are the crazy one (it sounds like that was the way it was your whole life).

Part of the difference in your situations was the age. Anne tried to hide behind being active and involved in everything, plus she claims
 that she had most of the responsibility for Philip (I don't know about Bart). Then she moved up here, and from my perspective was put
into another situation where she was victimized by the "family" or an extension thereof, Terry Struble. Once again, she couldn't rock the
boat because the Strubles are the center of your family's life, so she just went along. When we met, this was actually the situation that
 she focused on to me.

Then she planned on being a doctor--the successful one in the family. As it turned out, much to my chagrin, that was only an attempt to
 please your father, and she never wanted it for herself.

I did not handle things very well in some ways. I protected he so that she could survive and get beyond her severe dysfunction, but to
 protect our peaceful existence, I let her avoid confronting things. It worked to some extent, and after 5 years, we began to at least
compensate for things, and were able to go on. We really do have a pretty good life, so from that context things are peaceful. As you
probably know, part of my ability to survive the situation brought me into association with "normal" people so that I could have some
rational times. My relationship(s) got carried away and therefore only acerbated her feelings of low self esteem. Her way of handling
of that is to never, ever be wrong. So, we just don't ever disagree with what she says, even if its not true. The kids, particularly Joshua,
just treat it as one of her quirks, and we laugh about it outside her presence. But, she also never particularly criticizes me, she works
very hard, and she is very devoted. So, I have plenty of people to fight with anyway, so I try not to have too much contention at home.

Remember, I deal with these things every day, and I have really benefited greatly from my experiences (not that I would have chosen
this). Sometimes I feel like yelling at people when they make some little situation to be a big crisis, because we have dealt with so
much more, and have survived nicely.

I accept your need to confront things, explore things, and work through things with others. You are right to do that. I just can't force
Anne to give up her current security to live in that chaos, even if it is a fake world. So, I will have to remain the intermediary for now.
I could talk to her about anything for you, but she will put op a barrier if you do too much. So, come up, and be a loving sister. Don't
confront things, and she will open up when she is ready. In the mean time, she can also be a loving sister to you, and even if she doesn't
share the struggle, she will let you be less isolated, because she does validate your history. So, there is a lot to gain for each of you.
 I am a very social person (at least on the surface), so I like having people around. Do you feel that you make progress? I imagine it is
 2 steps forward and one step back. That is usually how life is.

I also understand the way things span generations. We deal with that a little, but having the knowledge of it helps. Once again, I try to
make the kids face things, and Anne tries to put the blame elsewhere. I usually retreat, and I am the just a big kid and she is the strong
 on. It works for her, and I'm fine right now in life. I deposit everything in my savings account of human dynamics, and sometimes get
to make a withdrawal to help other people. I like that, and am good at it. We all find our ways.

If you want me to be more strong or outspoken, let me know. In the meantime, I am just letting you know that you are right and to
validate things for you. How you should deal with things is something that you know for yourself better than I do. But because I don't
really have a horse in the race, I can help if needed.

Lee

THE one part that you and Anne see a little differently seems to be with your parents. That may be the difference in age and the fact
that your dad was around more when she was older. It seems to me that your mother may very well have been a victim somewhere
along the line, and is therefore defensive and not willing to expose things. That is my thinking, not based on anything that anyone has said.
I have never talked to anyone about things, because frankly, I am not that intimate with them. Peter is probably the only one that I would talk
 to, but that would only be if it would somehow help you, because Anne doesn't focus on Peter. He was older, though, and was out of the
house sooner????

I have to say that we have come to a good place in our religious experience, and that helps some now. It doesn't particularly help with the
issue, and may have actually hurt at one point, but it does now give some meaning and purpose to life and life's struggles. There are also a
 lot of people sharing some similar history, and it is somewhat of an outlet for those communications, too. Anne also keeps very busy with
 work, union, church, family, etc. A good way of not dwelling about things, or hiding them, whichever interpretation you choose. Plus, of
course, Julie gives a different perspective to life, and being depended on is a good way to avoid your own problems. Don't think that I am
criticizing you, I am just showing you how Anne "copes." Incidentally, even when she was at her worst, she was very functional and efficient,
I was where the multiple nature was most evident.

Lee

I have some thoughts of sending a letter to everyone myself. I doubt that Anne would encourage it, but I think that people should know how
much their actions have hurt. There might even be some others that could benefit from it.

What do you think?

Jackie,

I have finally gotten to read your postings and your letters back and forth to your family. I had trouble encoding it, because I am not
particularly computer literate. In reality, Anne opened them up for me. She did not reread them, and still prefers to stay out of it. She
knows of our correspondence, and of my thoughts, and can probably guess as to my intentions. She is a little confused because she
thought that I knew all about things before, and I think that I had a sanitized version.

What I would like to do is to write to you, with the information validating your story and describing the horrendous impact that this
has had on Anne and our family. You can disseminate the letter as you want. It will serve the same purpose, but be a little less intrusive
 on my part.

After reading the letters, I am better able to put things together. As is usually the case, people attacked you (the victim) to avoid
addressing the real issue. You may be totally crazy for all I know, but it has nothing to do with the issue of what happened. And
I assume that a lot of your and Anne's problems are the result of the abuse, so they should be ashamed for attacking the victims.

At this point, I think that Anne's story will be much harder for them to reject or criticize. She is well-educated, and well employed.
We will be married 25 years this August. Our children are doing relatively well. We have faced adversity and survived. We are probably
the most religious of the family, and among the most affluent. What do they have to attack Anne or us for?

Anne points to our successes as the reason not to get too involved. She worries that you let the past or your situation affect your ability
 to get on with life. For me, I deal with these things everyday anyway. I prefer to speak for truth and justice. I do hope that it might
stimulate a positive resolution to these things, but that is something everyone will have to deal with in his or her own way. No one
should be criticized for speaking the truth.

I will put together a letter in the next few days. In short, I will outline the extreme abuse that Anne suffered (and you), and the struggles
that it has caused her. I doubt that anyone has the full story of either part.

Once these things are said, we are willing to have whatever involvement with your family that they want. If they are uncomfortable, it is
their problem. We will not need them to address it unless they want to, and we can go on with life. But everyone will know the truth.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but there is already enough hurt for you and Anne, and of course, I would expect there are some other
situations that haven't come to life.

I deal with dysfunctional families and sexual abuse every day. As hard as it is to face, the abuse you and Anne describe is serious.
 If these things went on now and came to light, there would be serious repercussions and lifetime impact not just for the victim,
but abusers as well (sex offender registry, etc.). I say they already got off easy.

I believe in you.

Lee

Please do not think that I was holding Anne or us up being somehow superior to you. What I meant to convey is that it seemed that
the family was trying to discount what you were saying by passing it off as "just being Jacki." I know that you are every bit as worthwhile
as anyone in the family, but I just meant that it will be harder for them to just pass off the things that Anne says. That doesn't mean that
 I think that they had a right to judge you or try to put you down. I know it was there way to avoid the truth. With the 2 of you, it would
be much harder to discount. I really mean it to bolster you and you endeavors, not to cut you down.

Has Annie had much input to anyone except Cheryl? What are Cheryl and Andrew's feelings? Did Tina have any similar experiences?


Lee

In the summer, if you talk to Anne in a way that makes her feel that she is there for you, rather than trying to force her to deal with things,
I think that she will open up more. Sometimes it helps to be helping others, and breaks down some of the defense mechanisms.

I would love to have you come up (or we are able to travel down there). I would always have been okay with being closer to your family,
but I knew that Anne's reluctance had some deep rooted reasons. With that said, I was never really that close to any one of them.
I remember that you were very kind to us early on, and we did enjoy visiting R*** when they lived in Lake Hopatcong and the kids
were there and Jenni would go with us. I am okay with Peter, but mostly because he has made the effort. I always thought that Andrew
was nice, but they were all the New Jersey group and we didn't see them much. I don't know Michael well, but I had always thought it
was amusing because he seemed to be out of the family's control. He is probably the snobbiest, but I am used to that and since I was a l
awyer everyone treats me a little better anyway (I generally do not like lawyers and don't really feel like one, although I do know that I
act like one and always did--especially the arguing). Pat is fine, but I have only seen her a few times. I never thought that Gerard and I
were very compatible, but we get along okay and I like Pearl. We never had much to do with Paul. He was okay to me, but now I know
why we didn't see him much. And, of course, I love Philip and get along well with him and understand him pretty well. We try to take
him out more, but your mother is kind of resistant to that. I always liked your being a little different. You don't seem the same as the others.

I feel bad if I don't spend some time with my mother every week. Your mother is the same distance away, but we see her only several times
 a year. I would certainly have been supportive of more contact, but Anne never pursued it, and your mother doesn't really seem to either.
She has only been to our house a couple of times, even though they always shopped up here. Just for the record, any of the family is always
 welcome, and I always have people around and am comfortable with that. With Julie, we have always had people in the house everyday, so
we have never had total privacy anyway. Now our house is almost too large, so there is always room for everyone to have some space.
I babble on.

You said that in many ways your life has been richer because of your experiences. I know what you mean. I am a much better person for
 many of the things that we have been through, and I think that I am able to help a lot of people because of it. Probably not the way any of
 us would choose to learn things, but I am sure the experiences are part of the reason we are passing through this life anyway.

Dear Jacki,

I am starting this letter that I indicated that I intended to write. It will probably be done in a couple of pieces, because I am not a very
fast typist and never have too much time in one setting. I understand that the letter is not secure, and you are free to disseminate it as
you find beneficial. Therefore, some things may be repetitive to what we have previously discussed in an effort to pull things together
 in an organized fashion.

It is difficult to know where to start. When I tell the story, I have a very animated almost lighthearted suspenseful story. It is not a
lighthearted subject, but we try to make things seem a little less real. Ut is, however, a real story. The names have not been changed
to protect the innocent. I am simply leaving the names out. Everyone know who they are, although they may try to ignore their respective roles.

We have a pretty normal life. I can safely say that Anne is one of the most functional people that I know. Friends and people at church are
 amazed at the scope of her abilities--intellectual, domestic, spiritual and practical. She can fix cars, do plumbing, contracting, electrical,
cooking, sewing, canning, etc. I am sure that in those ways she is very much a product of your family (Joshua is similarly multitalented).
Unfortunately, she is a product of your family in other ways, too.

The first that I really realized that there was a problem in 1986. I was out of law school and we were living in Johnson City. Anne was
working on a technology degree at SUNY Binghamton, and was a teaching assistant for one of her professors. Our children, at the time
 Joshua and Jessica, went to a baby-sitter some days and to Saint Thomas Acquinas Preschool other days. Anne had best friends at school
--Peggy, who was engaged to a Baptist minister and Tony Bernstein, a Jewish student from Long Island. I remember a few stories from
that time, such as when Tony's mother died and he was fighting over the estate, and when the professor's Iranian husband disappeared and
she was afraid that her Jewish parents had something to do with it. The professor was very generous to Ann, and bought her gifts, etc.
Her friends called on the phone. She often visited them.

The first "hint" of something wrong was when I got a call from the credit union over a $500 check that Anne bounced, having written
 it on a closed Syracuse account. She denied it of course, and because I worked for the county, I took the sheriff to the credit union to
start investigating who was pulling such a con on us. Low and behold, they had Anne's picture on film, cashing the check! Just as the
 professor in the movie A. Beautiful Mind, after this first realization, things began to unwind. She still had no memory of this event,
and the psychiatrist thought that it might be micro fugues--brief memory lapses. I began to look into the situation more. I went to see
Tony Bernstein, whom lived at 929 Old Vestal Road (I went there again yesterday for old time's sake). He was not there. No one recognized
 the name. I went to his old residence on Bunn Hill. The old Italian landlady remembered him, but didn't know where he went. I went to SUNY
Binghamton. They didn't have him listed as a student. What kind of con was this?

The next day, we were going to go talk to the professor, to see if she could make any sense of the missing Tony. We went and sat across from
 her in her office. She sat dumbfounded. She had never heard of Tony Bernstein. In fact, she had never heard of Anne H*****!

From her, things just started happening in a whirlwind. Anne was never at school. The friends did not exist. The tuition payments didn't go to
tuition payments. The kids still went to the baby-sitter, but where did Anne go? There were hundreds of things that just went haywire. For the
 next 5 years, there was no reality. It was like Alice in Wonderland.


Anne reported back to the psychiatrist. He even had her come to his medical class, because he had never seen someone so functional, and so
 "maxi-crazy" (his word) at the same time.

Anne was pregnant. She began taking drugs in July. (Trilafon and Artane). This was the one and only time that she took medication. She stopped
taking them in November, so that they would not slow down the delivery. We worried about the baby, but everyone assured us that the drugs were
harmless. Our beautiful, perfect baby was born in a delivery so smooth and easy that the doctor didn't get there. It wasn't for about 9 months that we
began to see that Julie was not progressing as she should. You know the rest of the story. Julie had Rett Syndrome (a condition that we first diagnosed
and it took the doctors 3 years to confirm). Although she is still perfect, she has never walked and only said a few words, and that was 16 years ago.
We were once again assured that the drugs had nothing to do with her condition--it was not a known side effect. Oh.

The next five years were an adventure. Much of the time Anne seemed okay. Other times, she suffered from a real multiple personality. Sometimes
 I would talk to one Anne, and sometimes another. There were 3 personalities, although they didn't have actual different names. They would talk about each other.

Anne did not handle money. She did not go to the mailbox. The bank was on the alert to call me if she showed up (one time when she did, she took off
when she knew that they called me). One time she worried that she would kill the kids. One time, she tried to kill me. She would call me, and not know
why she was where she was. One time she called me from Cleveland (how's that for crazy---Cleveland!!!).

Her diagnosis was (is?) like a psychiatrist's desk reference manual--Borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder with multiple personality
characteristics, schizophrenia, etc., etc. She stopped having any treatment of any kind. We tried to live a normal life and shelter the kids. I worked everyday.

The cause of her condition was unclear. What was clear, is that the multiple personality disorder is generally associated with sexual abuse, especially
from a relatively early age.

As you know, and can well imagine, all of this took a toll on our family. The older kids remember it, and are still somewhat affected by it. Joshua,
 in particular, still is skeptical of his mother. Our marriage went through some rocky times. There were many economic setbacks. Then, one day,
as per Anne, it was over! Although the past still seemed true, she intellectually knew things were not real. Her recollection was that she drove daily
 to Syracuse to kill the vice president of the Bank of New York (a story for another day). And, most relevant, the cause of her problems had been that
 she was raped by 2 Syracuse policemen (a still other story), and it brought back all of the abuse she had suffered from her brothers. Just mentioning in
 passing, all of this experience still haunts us sometimes.

This whole matter next raised its head after the death of your father. At that time, you apparently sent a letter to various family members outlining the
 sexual abuse that you have suffered from some of your brothers, and your life-long struggle to put things in perspective, and to join with others in
overcoming their abuse and the related dissociative disorders and other psychiatric. Repercussions. Frankly, I don't know if I saw your letters or not.
Of course, I have recently. I did recall one very brief letter at the time from me to you, and now remember that there were lots of phone calls from
your family. Anne resisted talking to some of them, because she wanted to keep things behind her.

To some extent, things are not behind her. She is still a very functional person, and she works very hard at maintaining her sanity--whatever that is to
 any of us. There are still some borderline personality disorder traits that we have just all learned to deal with, or occasionally to not deal with. She
 puts most things out of her mind--which is after all where the whole dissociative comes from. At the time, Anne didn't want to talk about things, but
she was very adamant that you were telling the truth--the abuse did take place.

I don't know if I wasn't listening (as Anne says), or got a sanitized version, but I did not realize the full extent of the abuse. My main purpose in writting
this lengthy diatribe is to let you, and anyone else know that you are right. JACKI SPEAKS THE TRUTH! I have not axes to grind with any of your family,
and we are more than willing to keep/establish a warm relationship with any of them. But more importantly, it will not be at the expense of denying the
truth or blaming the victim.

Anne details serious sexual abuse including intercourse from the time that she was about 6 years old. That is rape. That is serious. It would land people
in jail for many years and would require life time registration as a sex offender. Why would any moral person side with that behavior, and isolate the victim?
 Do they have a guilty conscience, or can't face the truth?

I know which brothers did what. I know which one(s) didn't. I know that your situation in that regard is the same in some cases, and different in at least one.
I know that you have definite feelings about your parents' respective roles. Anne probably sees that differently, but the she was younger and the situation
 had changed.

Anne chooses not to talk about these things often. For her, that is the right thing for right now. But, she does not think that you both have to do things
exactly the same. She has not, and probably will not read this correspondence, or our previous correspondence. She knows that we have been communicating.
She knows in a general way about this letter. She thinks that it is hard stuff to deal with, and chooses not to do so. However, she knows that you may circulate
this letter, and she is comfortable in reaffirming and validating your story. She would probably like to have people accept their responsibility, repent for it,
make restitution, be forgiven, and go on with life. That is something that each one must do for himself.

You mentioned before Anne's letter of 20 years ago (25?). I don't remember it. I do know that Anne felt very upset and betrayed that your parents turned
to you and then Gerard to take care of Philip if something should happen to them. As I said then, if she chooses at sometime to fight over that, somebody
will be spending thousands of dollars, that we can well afford, and that for the large part we won't need to incur. No one would come out unscathed. I have
laid out all of Anne's weaknesses for everyone to see. A fight would lay out everyone else's. I will support her in whatever she chooses to do at that time.

I hope that this will in some way help you. I hope that it will not cause too much other problems. But, you deserve better. As I said, we live by the adage
"All that it takes for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing". I hope this is something.

Keep in touch.

Lee

I haven't heard anything from you for a while. Have you heard anything from anyone? I didn't know if you had forwarded my letter to any of the family.
You can do whatever you want. Let me know how things are.

Lee

Anne is fine, at least from the standpoint of functioning within what people consider normal limits. In fact, she is an amazingly functional person.
She always was, even during the worst times. Multiple. Still doesn't talk about things, but wouldn't be troubled if you communicate with here. E-mail
would be good, so you can have just good times if you come up. We will be in Atlantic City August 11-19. Are you nearby? We will have a 2 bedroom
 in Atlantic City. Stop by.

Lee